Afraid and yet...

Rising to the challenge of sharing my thoughts

In every heart there is a coward and a procrastinator. In every heart there is a god of flowers, just waiting to come out of its cloud and lift its wings. (Mary Oliver, The Kookaburras)

Early in life, I was taught it is dangerous to express imperfect thoughts - thoughts that could be challenged by any other perspective or viewpoint - so I withhold, seeking first to be sure I am beyond probable critique. Of course, there are times when my reticence slips and, upon later analysis, my entire being is filled with shame. Shame that I would be a bit out of control, shame that I said or did something open to ridicule.

There are other times when my words seem to soothe or enlighten, times when my conditioned self-censoring slips and deep wisdom born of the Spirit flows forth in words from my heart. These moments seem easy and natural. They are unlike the shame-avoidant me, the one afraid to be seen as unintelligent, deficient, lacking weight and value.

I’d like be a person who freely allows her thoughts to rise up into the light for others to witness and to take within their own hearts if they find it helpful. My censor is screaming at me to be silent, yet I feel compelled to move beyond my fear and share so others see more of the real me - curious, messy, afraid and yet… visible.